Disclaimer –
Despite the 2011 NFL season kicking off last night, our fantasy writer is still
recovering from the shock that ensued from imagining a fall without fantasy
football. The attitudes expressed in
this article are not consistent with those of the typical fantasy football fan, nor are they in any way the official
views of WFAN Radio, or CBS at large. As
a matter of fact; we pity the fool.
Unverifiable fact:
If you are an American male, aged six to not-demented, then you asked yourself
both of the following ‘hell’-containing questions during the summer of 2011:
1. “What the hell is the big deal with this wedding?” and 2.
“But what the hell would I do on Sundays!?!?”
Of the two, the ladder was the most ubiquitous question
asked amongst millions of football fans across the country this past summer. The fact is; if you are like me, then you had
no clue what the outcome of the NFL labor talks would be. You weren’t at the negotiation table, you
didn’t understand half the issues that were being disputed, and you based your
opinions off of the same daily morning edition of Sportscenter that every other
nervous wreck-of–a-football fan based theirs. You just went about your business, trying your
best to fend off that horrific vision of yourself standing in the seasonal
section of Kohl’s on a somber Sunday afternoon, watching your significant other
contemplate which autumn-themed centerpiece is the “cutest” for your
football-less living room coffee table. But
could it have really happened? Were we really that close to an NFL lockout, and
dare I say, no fantasy football? Can you
imagine a world without fantasy football?
I can. Read on to discover how
all of our lives almost changed this fall of 2011…
1. The diameter of
your social circle would have diminished rapidly
Admit it: the only time you actually SAW your old friend
Barry last year was at your fantasy draft.
Even worse, the only time you actually communicated with him was on your
league’s smack-talk forum when you told him, “I don’t know what has more holes
in it: your roster, or your wife’s alibi last night.”(which also earned you the
moniker of “Dr .Diss”, btw). Truth is;
without fantasy football, there is no Barry.
2. You would have to
experience that whole “outdoors” thing
Step Up 2: The Streets,
God Send Me a Man, and Futbol Mexicano: Toluca
vs. Tijuana
3. You would have
gotten a promotion…probably
The average fantasy football player visits their league website
three times per day, for an average of twelve minutes per visit…and that’s just
while on the company clock. That’s an average of three paid hours, per week. With all that added time, you could finally
focus on obtaining that promotion you’ve always wanted! Or, you could spend it Facebook stalking on
your personal laptop so the Man can’t track your browsing history. That’d be your call.
4. It’s October, look
outside; see that mound of leaves that’s been piling up since September?
No, you don’t, because it wouldn’t be there. Same goes for that broken fence, the deflated
kiddy pool, and that squirrel/rabbit your dog dragged in two weeks ago. There may even be a fort out there in a tree,
built for those kids that you now pay attention too. Bottom line: you’d get crap done.
5. Your significant
other would still hate you
At first, the idea of having a Kohl’s shopping buddy and a
freshly raked yard would have her reeling with excitement. Then, by what would have been week three of
the NFL season, she wouldn’t be able to stand the sights and sounds of you
(especially the sounds). Despite your
newfound social status, fitness, income, and responsible ways, your “overwhelming
omnipresence” and the “lack of interest” you show in what matters to her
(centerpieces, terrible dance-themed movie sequels, etc.), you are right back
in the dog house.
So it turns out that life without fantasy football would
result in a lot of change: some good, some bad, and some ugly. Luckily, thank the football heavens; we don’t
have to change at all. As of 8:30pm
eastern time tonight, we can all breathe a final sigh of relief as the NFL 2011
season commences. The fence, the fort,
and the centerpiece can wait, because ladies and gentlemen, its NFL FOOTBALL
time in America
Check back next week with WFANtasy for actual player
analysis, insights, forecasts, self-deprecating humor, and more.
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