There is a game every season that forces a team to prove whether they are for real or if they’re going to be vying for a top draft pick. I’ll be the first to admit that going into the game, I had the Giants pegged as losing by at least 10. The offense couldn’t score and the defense did nothing but give ‘em up. But the Giants proved me and every other person predicting the game wrong.
But as we delve deeper into the game, we look for reasons why the Giants won. Sure, you could say it was because of the 9 sacks in the first half. You could also say it was because the Giants knocked Cutler out of the game before the end of the 2nd quarter. And while I’m sure both of those had something to do with winning the game, they weren’t the underlying reason. The reason the G-men pulled off their biggest win of the year was because I discovered it. I discovered the formula.
You see, normally I watch the game with a big crew and we all get sloppy. This week was different. This week it was only my buddy Woody and myself in my basement (no homo). Also, I decided to change up the jerseys this week. Rather than going with the Tuck jersey, I decided to change it up to the Eli, hoping some sort of luck would follow. Now, make sure you read the next several paragraphs closely because they contain the secret for more Giants victories.
Because I wasn’t looking to get real messed up, since I have work early Monday morning, I decided that I should have a better tasting beer, but just have less of them (that was the plan, but no such luck. It was a tough Monday). So I start drinking Corona. And for some reason, every time I took a drink of Corona, the defense did better. If I took a chug, there’d be a big hit, a pick, or a sack. Clearly, I was completely responsible for what happened to the Giants. And while I was quietly celebrating my contribution to the return of the Big Blue Wreckin’ Crew, there was still a major problem. The offense wasn’t clicking at all. But then, the light bulb went off…
Obviously, Corona is a defensive beer. Meaning, when I drink Corona when the Giants are on offense, the force is so powerful, that Eli and the boys didn’t stand a chance of scoring any points. So, at the expense of my liver and brain cells, I realized I had to start drinking something else when the G-Men had the ball. It was at that moment that I cracked open my first Bud Light of the night. And EXACTLY to form, once the delicious nectar starts hitting my lips, Eli hits Nicks for a 34 yard gain. I wish I could say that I’m just making this up so that I’ll have something to write about this week. But it’s 100% true. I keep drinking the Bud Light and eventually Bradshaw rushes it in for the Giants’ first TD.
Then, the Giants go back on defense, and I switch it back to Corona. The next two defensive series: 3 and out, then Grant picks off Collins. Woody and I were literally in a state of shock at this point. Now, here are the only times when the formula didn’t work: the Bears scoring a field goal, and the botched handoff by Jacobs. Other than that the formula was PERFECT. You may be wondering about the Bradshaw fumble now. Well that was my fault. I started getting a little drunk then, and I forgot to switch it up. Anyone who owns Bradshaw in a fantasy league can blame me for that fumble.
And in case anyone was wondering, the formula doesn’t work for punts. As I told a friend of mine today, if I have to punish my body by drinking heavily to make the offense and defense play well, then with keeping that logic in mind, the only way that I could get Matt Dodge to have a good game would be if I was shoot up heroin while stabbing myself in the heart. I feel horrible for anyone who doesn’t have a job in this economy who has to watch Matt Dodge make tons of money for doing nothing. Only Michael Kay of the YES Network and John Sterling of the Yankees Radio Broadcasts do a worse job and get paid nearly as much.
But back to the issue at hand. When it comes to next week’s game, I know what I have to do for my team. So have no fear everyone. I will make sure to get real sauced up in order for the G-Men to go over .500. With this new formula in mind, here’s my prediction for next week: Giants 98, Houston -9. Feel free to give this a shot on your own. I don’t know why, but this is what the Giants needed. As for me, I’m already prepared for next week
Before I end this, I have to give major props to Barry Cofield for the best celebration dance of the season so far. After sacking Cutler, Cofield put his hand to his chest as if it was a taser, then proceeded to convulse all throughout his body. It brought me right back to the idiot in Philly. Thank you Barry. The thought of that kid always makes me laugh.
By S. James Hyland - InReeseWeTrust.com 10/5/10
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