7:20 on Sunday morning my alarm goes off. I take a quick shower, and grab something to drink. I throw on my Tuck jersey, a pair of shorts, a hat and some shoes. At about 7:45, my buddy Woody’s car pulls in the driveway, honks twice and I’m out the door. We’re off to the Meadowlands.
My group consists of Woody, myself, Big B, his girlfriend Bern, Ashley (otherwise known as Smashley, Bashley, Crashley, etc), and her friend Mary Anne. We also have a few buddies going down in another car. Altogether there is 10 of us, but have no fear, we have our supplies ready: 20 burgers, 30 hot dogs, a cornhole set, a bunch of ribs, a spread of sausage and peppers, and most importantly about 120 beers. It’s got all the makings of a great day.
We pull into the Meadowlands at about 8:45. We do a quick set up with a tent, table, and start up our 2 grills. The beers are flowing like wine. The time is approximately 9:45 and I’ve got 5 beers in my belly. Feeling great.
We set up the cornhole and have a few quick games. You can always tell which people in the parking lot have been to a tailgate before. The tailgate rookies walk right through the game without skipping a beat. The tailgate vets either wait between tosses, or they will go all the way around the court of play. I respect those people.
Also, the boys who we met up with who drove the other car are certainly no rookies. They brought an empty plastic coffee jug for all the guys to pee in. They put it right between the cars, and when I overflowed it, everyone cheered. Great moment.
10:15. The sausage and peppers are ready, and so are the ribs. Big B realizes that we have enough food for about 22 people, so we start offering food to other people. I throw some hot dogs on as beer number 8 goes down. I’m starting the feel the wrath of the beer.
10:20. I tell my buddy Tully, who was in the other car, to open up the box of burgers to see how many there are. He opens it up only to find a Smirnoff Ice. One of the finer plays by me.
10:45. Everything kind of settles down. We have a good toss with the football, eat some chips and food, and just have a few beers. Nothing exciting for a little bit. Although, hearing AC/DC’s “For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)” got us real fired up.
11:15. So this guy walks over to us wearing a Jacobs jersey and makes fun of us being hammered. Tully calls him a homo for wearing a Jacobs jersey, then the guy tries to pick a fight with 7 guys. Great line by him was, “You’re gonna need about 8 more guys!” Keep in mind, this guy was a big fat guy that would get his ass kicked by a 13 year old who isn’t out of breath walking around.
11:50. After about 3 hot dogs, 2 old guys walk over and give us the highlight of the tailgate. The two guys, who are about in their 50’s, challenge us to a game of cornhole. I’m on the same side as the older of the two, while Woody is matched with another old timer. The guy on my side asks for a practice round. His first shot is a dead swish, so we’re getting nervous. But have no fear. Woody and I both get hot, and end up taking down the old timers in a battle for the ages. We each down a beer to celebrate.
Shortly after the cornhole game, we decide to start packing everything up. It’s getting closer to gametime and judging by how long it usually takes to pass through security, we’re gonna try to get in a little early.
12:30. We walk toward the entrances of the stadium. There’s about 4 trillion people all trying to get into the same entrance. Obviously, I wasn’t walking toward the entrance without a few soldiers, so I bring 2 beers along for the ride. I drink the first of them, and it feels like the line hasn’t even moved yet. As I crack open the second one, I start to get that weird drunken paranoia feeling, so I drop the beer. Immediately I’m pissed off that I did. I start complaining to strangers about how I don’t have my beer and how this is the worst thing ever. (Quick side note, as long as you are in the home team’s jersey, you’re a friend of everyone on line. I was being a cocky, arrogant jerk, but these people were eating it up. You’ve always got a friend while trying to walk into your home stadium). Finally, after about a 20 minute wait we get into the stadium. The damn security line took so long, that I miss the first series. But luckily I get to see the magic that is Hakeem Nicks tip up a pass right into the defender’s hand. (At this point all of us begin to break off to wherever we’re all sitting. Woody and I are together, Smashly and Mary Anne are together in our section, and the rest are scattered somewhere.)
Obviously, now that I’m pissed about that play, I have to go and get a beer. Finally I get to my seat and immediately I start making drunk and obscene comments to the Titans fan in front of me. I feel awful at first because there is an 8 year old with his dad sitting next to the Titans fan, and I am cursing out the Tennessee supporter. I apologize to the dad, but he quickly says how his son has heard it all before, and that I’m doing the right thing by cursing out the Titans fan. Gotta love Jersey.
I’m not even going to go into the game because it will just infuriate me. Let me just say that the only time that I was more upset than what was going on on the field, was when I went to buy a beer at halftime, halftime HAD NOT YET STARTED, and the damn lady behind the counter refuses to sell to me because halftime had “started”. And you may be thinking that I was hammered and wasn’t holding myself together, but I was totally cool up there. I quickly ran to another vendor who would sell beer, but it was piss warm. The perfect beer to match the Giants performance.
After the game, we all had that depressing walk back to the car. We get back and the non-drivers each have one or two more before calling it quits. Big B decides to start chucking hot dogs by using a pair of tongs. He wasn’t getting good distance, I won’t lie. A very sad hour long car ride follows before I am dropped off at my house, so that I can go inside and sing happy birthday to my dad (I’m not making this up. I actually felt like I should check into rehab at this point, but the feeling quickly vanished).
So what did I learn? First off, if you want to tailgate, you have to be there a MINIMUM 4 hours early. There is just way too much stuff to do, and you can’t get it all done in less time. Second, always make sure you have plenty of beer, or you have something to trade with. For instance, my buddy was telling me how he ran out of beer during the opening game, but he traded his jumper cables with a guy for 6 beers. That’s using your head. Next, don’t forget that security has to perform a routine cavity check on everyone, so give yourself some added time. Finally, unless you have season tickets, try to go during a week when you think your team is guaranteed to win. There is no worse feeling than being hungover at 5PM, being in the car, and being furious that your team didn’t win.
The other thing that I learned: it’s a lot better to be drunk for a loss in your house, than it is to be drunk for a loss in person at the stadium. Although, a drunken win at the stadium is a whole ‘nother story.
By S. James Hyland - InReeseWeTrust.com 9/28/10
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