Tuesday Morning Hangover Week 2: My Liver’s happy… I am not.

By S. James Hyland - InReeseWeTrust.com 9/21/10

Since every football analyst from John Clayton, to Michael Smith, to Steven (the 9-year old kid that lives down the block from me) could tell you that the Giants were atrocious on Sunday night, I don’t really feel it’s important to go over why they were bad.  Also, there’s about 300 other articles on this very website that could tell you what the G-Men did wrong in Indy.  So with that in mind, I’m going to take you through the “important” highlights of Sunday’s game.

First, let me start by saying I only had about 6 beers during the game, so I was 100% sober.  I don’t like to get hammered during the Sunday and Monday night games because then the fine people that I work with have to smell my beer farts all day.  On top of that, I worry all day at the office that I’ll be fired because I’m a borderline alcoholic.  With that in mind, I also took notes during this game.  I did that during the first game too, but I blacked out during the 3^rd quarter.  So the next night when I was writing my column and I saw things like, “Matt Moore beady arm”, I had no idea what it meant.  I realized later on, it was after Moore got hit in the endzone and was concussed, that he had beads from the field turf all over his arm.  It seems I only wrote down the most important things while I tortured my liver.  But on to my observations from this game.

To start the game, they did the generic Sunday Night football intro with Faith Hill.  She is still smoking hot.  That’s all I wanted to point out.  Tim McGraw is a lucky man.

So right when the game begins, NBC has to show their Archie and Olivia Manning shot.  My over under for the game of seeing either of them was 14.  I fell well short, as the correct answer was only 7 (keep in mind I only counted from the opening whistle of the game, didn’t include halftime, and didn’t count after time ran out in the 4^th)

Eli Manning walks out onto the field before the game, and NBC shows the split screen of Eli and Peyton.  It’s been said a million times, but how much more confident are you when you’re a Colts fan and you see the calm and collected Peyton compared to the “lost child” look of Eli.  My grandpa calls him Dopey.  I’ve always been partial to Eeyore myself.

The Colts storm down the field and get a TD off a Donald Brown run.  On the ensuing possession, Big Blue starts off with a reverse to Manningham.  Within 2 seconds Manningham had the entire field to run to, then the Colts D swarmed and held him to a 2 yard gain.  This is literally when I felt like we lost the game.

Sign of the game sighting.  A Colt fan holds up a sign that says, “Thanks Archie.”  Thanks for what?  “Hey Archie, thanks for doing your wife a few times, pumping out some kids, and having them go to the NFL, so that NBC has something that can get people watching.”  Thank you indeed sir.

Shortly following the sign, NBC plays a montage of Eli and Peyton as kids, in high school, then as pros.  Naturally the song they picked out for this was Five for Fighting’s, “100 Years.”  On the scale of great TV montages, I would put this at a 6.  It was certainly no 10 (Zack and Kelly from Saved by the Bell after they get married in the final episode).

Quick side note, Steve Smith’s jersey is very weird.  The 1 and the 2 seem like they are about a foot away from each other.  And it wasn’t just me that noticed it.  After I pointed it out, everyone that I watched with noticed the same thing.  How does this happen at the NFL level?  I’m searching for a picture of it, but it seems this conspiracy has already been covered up.

Just before halftime, Kevin Gilbride shows off his brilliant play calling.  It’s pretty obvious that he didn’t watch last week’s Cowboy game.  So, the Giants have the ball at around their own 25, and what do they do?  A handoff of course!  And naturally, there’s a fumble.  Luckily the Giants recovered.  Great way to go into the half.

There really wasn’t too many good things I can say from the start of the 3^rd on. Mathias Kiwanuka lead his high school team to 2 state championships.  That was the only good thing said about anyone on the Giants defense in the 2^nd half.  On the flip side, Eli is getting hit on every offensive play, but of course they leave him in the entire game.  It got so bad that NBC did a montage of hits on Eli with the song “Don’t Do Me Like That,” playing in the background.

Finally, I have to talk about the Jacobs helmet thing.  Luckily for Jacobs’ sake, there was no camera on his when it happened.  If there was, he’d probably face a 6 game suspension, as well as a monstrous fine.  Instead of these things, Big Brandon will probably just get a one way ticket out of New York.  He wants it, the team wants it, and as I’m writing this on Monday night, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet.  It’s a shame to see because of how terrifying Jacobs was just 3 years ago.  What sucks for Giants fans is that most likely a team like the Pats will hop in and scoop up Jacobs, then he’ll go on to punish the league again.  But after last night, it seems like Jacobs’ time in New York is at an end.

Quick side notes that don’t pertain to the Giants.  Apparently the Jets do have an offense.  I half take back the things I said last week.  Let’s find out first if it’s the Baltimore defense that is incredible, or if it’s the New England D that is horrible.

Houston looks for real.  And good call by Gary Kubiak to punt in OT.  Sure it only netted 19 yards, but Neil Rackers had a face that said, “If you put me out there, I WILL poop my pants.”  Coaches need to be aware of this.  Houston punts, the Skins get in a similar position, Gano hits it, but the time out was called.  Then Gano steps up again, but it was “No-Go” Gano.  Houston then drives down the field and takes the win.  Great comeback.

I’m in about 7 survivor pools (as I said, I’m a big gambler).  I’m down to 4 after the first 2 weeks, which is about average for me.  Thank you Packers (3 picks this week) and San Diego (1) for winning.  Damn you Minnesota this week (1).

Looking ahead to next week for the Giants, they have the Titans at home, and you’re favorite heavy drinker, that writes for this column, that goes by an initial for his first name will be there (I’m pretty sure that description narrows it down to me).  I correctly predicted the loss to the Colts, but fear not Giants fans.  I got the Big Blue Wreckin’ Crew winning this one 24-14.  Though I do hate Vince Young.  And all he does is win. (As long as he finishes the game…)