I’m not going to say much because this game speaks for itself.After a weekend of hardcore drinking, I was more than prepared to drink whatever it took for the Giants to win.And for about 50 minutes, I was doing Yeoman’s work packing down about 10 beers.Everything was going great.I was even having joking text messages with my Eagles fan friends.My favorite was when Andy Reid didn’t challenge the Maclin fumble and I wrote, “What will happen first this year: Andy Reid wins Coach of the Year or Andy Reid wins Father of the Year?”But everything collapsed after that.
I could then blame what happened on Woody because it was at that moment that he ran out of beer so he popped open a bottle of wine, just so we’d have something to drink.Maybe the Eagles took advantage of slip up.
I’m honestly too pissed off to write about the disaster that happened after that.All I’ll say is that when they kicked off to Jackson, I watched him avoid the first few tackles, then when I saw him get to about the 10 or 15 and there was no one near him, I literally chugged what was left in my drink, took my jacket and left.I didn’t say goodbye to any of the other 7 people that were in the room.Actually the first time I saw Jackson actually cross the endzone was Monday morning.I had no idea that he ran along the goal line until then.Then I walked into my house, didn’t say hello, went to my bedroom and just sat in darkness.Probably the worst feeling I’ve ever had during the regular season.I haven’t felt this bad after a game since the damn San Fran game, and I’m not gonna go into what happened there.
It’s gonna be real interesting to see what happens from here on out, but one thing’s for sure: I’m gonna need to drink a lot to forget about that game.
How can we possibly talk about the Monday night game without prefacing the Sunday afternoon game?I was more than prepared to get hammered during the Sunday afternoon game.I had a quiet night with my lady friend, and only had about 5 beers than night; so I knew there would be no hangover the next morning.But to my amazement, I was wide-awake on Sunday with no game to play that day.I knew the snow was bad on Sunday, but it takes a lot to take my G-Men away.Apparently 17 inches is enough.
So tonight when I come home from work, because we’re so damn busy right now, I don’t get home until 7:45.Thanks to that, I have to listen to basically the first quarter in my car.And guess what… I’m not drinking and the G-Men aren’t winning.So a block away from my house, I pick up an 18 pack of Bud Light because I know I’m going to need to help my team tonight.
Unfortunately I pull into Woody’s driveway as the first half is ending.For the record, before I start drinking the score is 3-0.Then, I start getting $H!* done.Let’s just say that by the time the game is over, the 18 in front of me is gone, and I only gave out 4 beers.I’m not saying this to brag, but rather to show my dedication to the cause.I’m feeling pretty good as I write this column.
I’m trying to find a link between the Giants and WWE wrestling, since they’re my top 2 loves.I think when the Giants play a ground and pound type style like they did tonight, it’s basically equivalent to the Stone Cold Steve Austin era when it was a blue collar, beat your opponent into the ground, type system.Of course, after Stone Cold, The Rock came in, so maybe our next column will be about how the G-Men dominated the Eagles with precision passing and excellent charisma (though I don’t know how you beat a team with charisma).
Also, congrats to Eli Manning who now has the 2nd longest consecutive games started streak for a QB, only behind his brother (the greatest QB ever).In a way, I’m hoping now that the Colts will probably miss the playoffs, Peyton Manning pulls something and sits a game just so Eli can be the number one toughest QB.He’s already proven to me with the messed up foot and everything else that he’s played through that he’s as tough as nails.
On a side note, the main fantasy team was on a bye this week, and thank God.I had Ryan Torain and Deion Branch on the bench, so it’s for the best that I earned myself a 1st round bye.
Another side note, how about the Jets?My whole life I always felt that if the Giants didn’t win the Superbowl, I’d hope the Jets did.Now because they don’t shut up, I hope they lose the rest of their games.Nothing would make me happier than to see them miss the playoffs.Also, if the Jets are looking for a strength and conditioning coach, I’d be willing to get in shape for a better job than I have now.I hope Revis and Scott like beer.That’s my philosophy…
Last week I was pretty banged up when I wrote the column.I wish I could say that I was 100% for this week.But no, I got hammered on Friday and Saturday.And for my probably 2 readers, I’ll give a justly right, eloquent description of what happened over my kooky, riveting weekend (yes, there we subliminal messages in there.Also, yes, I’ve basically tossed away me writing about the Giants.Instead I’m going to describe how drunk I get every weekend so that everyone reading this can feel better about their own life.Nevertheless, I graduated from the best Communications college in the nation, Cum Laude.This is my life…)
So Friday night I had a going away party for someone that I work with.I decided to sprint into that marathon and drink 12 beers and 2 shots before the open bar was over.Apparently I talked to pretty important people at my company and don’t remember doing this at all.
Let’s jump ahead to Saturday when I got “sick” but was still forced to set up Christmas decorations.Terrible feeling.Later on that night I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party where I dominated.I had a sweater with a full light up chipmunk on it that sang songs.I also drank more than 94% of humanity could imagine.I guess that’s what will happen when you go to a party with 3 kegs and free Jell-O shots.Oh well
Sunday morning I woke up feeling about 20%, and I was exhausted.After basically forcing a bagel down into my stomach, I went over to Woody’s to watch the game.When I walked in he informed me how we still had half a keg left over from the night before.So I knew what I had to do.
For the record, only myself and Woody drank during the game.All of the other 5 people there were too sick to even give it a go.I consider this my dedication to the team.
The first beer was tough to get down my gullet.The second was a little bit easier.By the third (other than a small headache on my left temple) the rest went right down.
I could talk about how Bud Light from a keg really helped the Giants win.Or how the run game was significantly improved when I drank it.But rather than go into that, I want to congratulate myself on finally getting through to Matt Dodge.Did you see how high he jumped after his punt went to the 5?I wasn’t that happy when I got a Super Nintendo for Christmas when I was 8 years old (give or take on the year).Congrats Matthew
I mentioned how everyone was real banged up from the night before.Well, I would like to point out that only myself and 2 others stayed awake the entire game.Everyone would pass out for a few minutes, then act as if nothing happened.Pretty funny every time we caught someone new asleep.
Once the game ended though, I laid right down on the couch, and passed out for about 45 minutes, only to awake when I had to go to dinner with my parents, and I was still drunk.Yes, they’re very proud of me.
Before I talk about what I did during the game, I have to talk about how I got there.My friend B-Dons has a house up in Cape Cod, myself B-Dons and Woody spent Friday and Saturday absolutely drinking our faces off.Between the 3 of us and B-Dons’ brother Joey, we drank 60 beers, a Heineken mini-keg, a bottle of wine, and polished off 2 bottles of liquor.Needless to say, we were all pretty hungover by the time Sunday morning rolled around.But knowing that it’s about a 4 hour drive, we all knew we had to be up at 7 to make sure we’d be home in time for the game.
Flash ahead 4 hours and 27 minutes when we pull into Woody’s driveway.We’re all extremely hungover and praying for death.The last possible thing that I want to do is to drink during the game.But of course the Giants decide to look horrid during the game and I know what I have to do…
Since we’re at Woody’s house and didn’t stop, we only had Bud Light.But we all kind of realized that drinking Bud Light is better than not drinking at all.If your curious when I started drinking, it was after David Garrard’s 5 yard TD run, in which he actually ran about 45 yards.When that happened, I knew it was time to get some suds in my belly.
For the rest of the game I drank 5 BL’s and the result was in our favor.Like John Connor’s destiny was predetermined for him in The Terminator, the same applies to me.At least in the 2010 season, I need to drink if I want Big Blue to come out on top.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that this is extremely dull compared to my usual Sunday/Monday Night experiences.For that I apologize.Compared to last week when Big-B, Woody, Tully and myself are doing waterfalls for a Sunday night game, this certainly was weak.I’ll try to do better next week.(And if anyone was wondering, I should have been fired last Monday because of how much I stunk of alcohol and how unproductive I was.Tough day to get through)
Realistically, do I think it matters if I’m drinking for the Giants to do well?Yes, I do.And it worked again.If next week I’m in better shape, I may go back to the formula, but at least I know when I’m hurting bad, I can always just stick to Bud Light.
“You see?You see?He’s not a machine, he’s a man!He’s a man!” (Duke from Rocky IV)I was picturing the Eagles saying this to each other after Michael Vick ran it in for Philly’s first TD.They knew that the formula was all but perfect, but it wasn’t a machine.It was merely a man.And it had to be the damn Eagles that broke the formula’s streak too. I didn’t give it to them easily.My buddies and I did everything possible to try and help the G-Men out.
I’ll throw all the variables out there to start.I was in my Manning jersey which was on fire at my house, we watched the game in my basement and I of course had my Coronas and Bud Light.With me for the game were my buddies Tully, Big B, and Woody.They were all set for a big night of drinking because we all knew how big this game was.
I’ll try to sum up every possible ritual myself and my boys did during this game to try and will Big Blue to the W.When I realized that we needed help, I actually took one of Woody’s Guinness’s on offense to see if that helped.We marched down the field, but it ended in a fumble, so I quickly gave up that dream.
Next we tried putting different songs on in the background during the game to see how the Giants would respond to each song.Here’s the breakdown: the Giants HATE Taylor Swift, Toby Keith, Van Halen, and Black Sabbath.On the flip side, they LOVE The Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd.Based on that I bought 8 dollars worth of Rolling Stones songs just so we wouldn’t run out.
Not only this, but we’d do a waterfall type cheers with each other where Woody would take a drink, tap my beer, I’d chug, tap Big B, he’d chug, tap Tully, then we’d send it back around.It seemed like that was working for a while.
Here is where we ran into trouble.We quickly ran out of Bud Light since we only had an 18 for the 4 of us.After that, then we had to start tapping into my collection of Bud Heavys (Budweiser if you will).The Giants were doing fine with that.But whenever one of us ran out of beer, the Eagles would get a big play or big stop.And of course when it’s 4th and 1, all hell breaks loose.Woody finishes his beer before the play and Van Halen comes on the iTunes.The Eagles saw their opening.McCoy then ran for 50 yards to seal the deal.
Naturally then on the next drive, Eli does a sideways moron slide, and fumbles to officially stamp the win for the Eagles.I hate them so damn much.I wish I was allowed to use 4 letter words in this column because I’d string about 15 together to maybe describe how much I hate them.I hate Fly Eagles Fly, I hate the hockey goal horn that sounds every time they score a TD, I even hate Andy Reid and his degenerate sons.
But I guess for me and my Giants it’s back to the drawing board.Maybe I need to find a new beer or two.Maybe I need to rotate back to the Justin Tuck jersey.Maybe I should consider the fact that my drinking and wearing jerseys have absolutely no effect on the game.Who knows?I certainly don’t have the answers.
This could have been the best weekend of my life. After going to see my boys of Syracuse take down Rutgers at Rutgers on Saturday (while I sat next to Derrick Coleman… literally next to DC), I was anticipating perhaps a Big Blue win. This would have to be thrown into the discussion of best weekend of my life. The only 2 things that could possibly come close are the birth of my first son (which hasn’t happened, and I’m not expecting a child… that I know of) and possibly behind that my wedding (which I’m not even engaged, nor am I planning to be). But it wasn’t to be. I blame it on the formula not being followed for the Giants.
I can’t be mad at either of the two of you that are actually reading this. Maybe you have an alcohol problem, maybe you’re allergic to beer, who knows. Whatever the reason is, you didn’t follow the formula. Therefore, exo-facto, we lost. But I’ll be honest, even though we lost, I had an absolute blast at the game.
To start, I took my old man to the game. My dad, a Cowboy fan, and I pulled in a few hours before the game, I brought a couple of beers for each of us, and we each put those down. Then we went into the stadium about a half hour before the game, got another few beers, a hot dog, and waited for the game to begin.
Before I go on with the description of the game, I’d like to point out that on Tuesday of this week, my boss at work and I talked about how the Giants were not looking good going into this game. Anytime a team fires a coach, the new interim coach always brings a spark for at least 3 games. After that then the team will go back to where they should be. On the bright side, the ‘boys are so bad, that even if they somehow win out, they’re still only 9-7.
But I digress, back to the game. So after me and my pops get inside the stadium, we take out seats and watch an absolute shellacking. The moment when the entire crowd knew that the game was over was the Eli interception in the endzone, which quickly turned into a 101 yard pick 6. One of the worst feelings in the world as my dad (a Cowboy fan) is high fiving some fat girl next to him (also a ‘boys fan) while I sit in absolute misery. The only good thing was that the game gave me a great highlight, although it wasn’t on the field.
Before I get into that though, let’s go to the story during halftime, since nothing good happened for Big Blue before then. I only point this out because of how amazing this was. My dad and I both had to pee at halftime, so after waiting on a line for about 10 minutes (which is inexcusable for the men’s line) we get in there and there is a smell that can only be described as if someone stepped into horse poop. It was so awful that every new person who walked in looked at their shoes to see if they stepped into poop. I bring this story up only because it completely summed up my day as a Giants fan. When I left the bathroom I had to get 2 more Bud Lights (bringing my total to 8 on the day) just to get that stench out of my nose (side note, I was trying to stay soberish because I was with the old man). But let’s jump to the 3rd…
A few minutes into the 3rd quarter, half the lights in the stadium go out. My dad looks at me and says, “We’re lucky all the lights didn’t go out because if they did, it’d be about a 15 minute delay.” We lucked out this time. The refs decide after about 5 minutes that there is enough light in the stadium to continue.
So they go a few more minutes, before the entire stadium goes black. I’ll throw it out there: it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever experienced in my life. With the exception of a few people holding up cell phones, the entire stadium was black. I couldn’t see my dad who was sitting next to me it was so dark. He even got a little freaked out because he didn’t know how they hell we’d get out of there if the lights were down.
There’s nothing more to say about this game, so I’ll end this with this thought: when you’re a Giants fan, and you’re talking about the smell coming from a bathroom and the blackout in the stadium, that means it’s a rough day. Maybe even a stinky, dark day.
(To end this, I’d also like to point out that you should always be on your guard when the lights go out at a Giants game. Or else this could happen…
So in schools these days there is a huge campaign against anti-bullying.The commercial that I’ve seen most often shows one kid who is getting bullied, another kid who does the bullying and a third kid who has to make a decision on what to do (he ends up getting an adult).And, although I was never bullied, and don’t think I was ever a bully, I for the most part agree that bullying should be outlawed in schools.But in the NFL, when it’s your team, there’s no better feeling.
After the G-Men scored their third TD, I actually felt somewhat badly for the home Seahawks. When Bradshaw ran up the middle for 4 yards, I literally felt like I was watching a bully beating up on a nerd.But then I flashed back to the Giants getting pummeled by the Titans and Colts (one of which I was at), and it makes you appreciate how bullying in the NFL is a fantastic thing.
Now, I’m not letting this win get to my head.The Seahawks got destroyed by the Raiders, so you have to take this win with a grain of salt, but at the same time, is there a single team in the league that wants to play the Giants?And on the flip side, is there a team in the NFL that you don’t think the Giants can beat?They look absolutely phenomenal.The Defense is meanacing, the offense is clicking on all cylindars, and best of all Dodge was barely on the field
Now, I know they usually don’t reward alcoholics with anything, but how is it even possible at this point that I haven’t at least gotten free Coronas and Bud Lights from the Giants?This winning streak is all thanks to me and my formula.I tried not to focus my entire column on it, but this is almost getting outrageous now.And it turns out that Bud Light is a great beer on offense.The team just needed to get used to it for a few weeks.
But that’s enough for last week.Let’s look forward to the real game.Next week I’ll be in the Meadowlands with my Cowboy fan father watching Big Blue take on the Cowboys.There is a major issue here though.I most likely will not be able to do the formula while sitting in the stands.First off because it’s tough to find Corona in the stadium, and second because if I keep up my current drinking habits, then I’d be down about $150 next week.
Because of this, I’m sending out a plea to anyone who reads this column (most likely it’s only 4 of you).Please, I need someone to do my drinking while I can not.It’s very easy.Coronas on defense, Bud Light on offense.When we’re punting, you drink Bud Light until the kick returner on their team catches the ball.And same then with Corona until the Giants get possession.
Please feel free to comment if you are willing to step up to the plate.And as a disclaimer, my liver is basically destroyed after 10 years of drinking.So, if you want to do the formula, please don’t kill yourself.But don’t wuss out either.Follow through on it.God Speed.
