Friday, September 9, 2011

Imagine: A Fantasy Football-less Fall?

By Jesse Carrajat - & 9/9/11

Disclaimer – Despite the 2011 NFL season kicking off last night, our fantasy writer is still recovering from the shock that ensued from imagining a fall without fantasy football.  The attitudes expressed in this article are not consistent with those of the typical fantasy football fan, nor are they in any way the official views of WFAN Radio, or CBS at large.  As a matter of fact; we pity the fool.

Unverifiable fact: If you are an American male, aged six to not-demented, then you asked yourself both of the following ‘hell’-containing questions during the summer of 2011:
1. “What the hell is the big deal with this wedding?” and 2. “But what the hell would I do on Sundays!?!?” 

Of the two, the ladder was the most ubiquitous question asked amongst millions of football fans across the country this past summer.  The fact is; if you are like me, then you had no clue what the outcome of the NFL labor talks would be.  You weren’t at the negotiation table, you didn’t understand half the issues that were being disputed, and you based your opinions off of the same daily morning edition of Sportscenter that every other nervous wreck-of–a-football fan based theirs.  You just went about your business, trying your best to fend off that horrific vision of yourself standing in the seasonal section of Kohl’s on a somber Sunday afternoon, watching your significant other contemplate which autumn-themed centerpiece is the “cutest” for your football-less living room coffee table.  But could it have really happened? Were we really that close to an NFL lockout, and dare I say, no fantasy football?  Can you imagine a world without fantasy football?  I can.  Read on to discover how all of our lives almost changed this fall of 2011… 

1. The diameter of your social circle would have diminished rapidly
Admit it: the only time you actually SAW your old friend Barry last year was at your fantasy draft.  Even worse, the only time you actually communicated with him was on your league’s smack-talk forum when you told him, “I don’t know what has more holes in it: your roster, or your wife’s alibi last night.”(which also earned you the moniker of “Dr .Diss”, btw).  Truth is; without fantasy football, there is no Barry. 

2. You would have to experience that whole “outdoors” thing
Step Up 2: The Streets, God Send Me a Man, and Futbol Mexicano: Toluca vs. Tijuana.  This is actually what else is on TV this Sunday at 1:00pm.  Translation: you’re not watching TV on Sundays anymore.  Thus, in place of tracking your fantasy team(s), you’d be forced to take up an “active lifestyle”, and who knows, a couple of laps around the block on the ole’ Schwinn might not be so bad for that rapidly slowing metabolism of yours.  

3. You would have gotten a promotion…probably
The average fantasy football player visits their league website three times per day, for an average of twelve minutes per visit…and that’s just while on the company clock. That’s an average of three paid hours, per week.  With all that added time, you could finally focus on obtaining that promotion you’ve always wanted!  Or, you could spend it Facebook stalking on your personal laptop so the Man can’t track your browsing history.  That’d be your call.

4. It’s October, look outside; see that mound of leaves that’s been piling up since September?
No, you don’t, because it wouldn’t be there.  Same goes for that broken fence, the deflated kiddy pool, and that squirrel/rabbit your dog dragged in two weeks ago.  There may even be a fort out there in a tree, built for those kids that you now pay attention too.  Bottom line: you’d get crap done.  

5. Your significant other would still hate you
At first, the idea of having a Kohl’s shopping buddy and a freshly raked yard would have her reeling with excitement.  Then, by what would have been week three of the NFL season, she wouldn’t be able to stand the sights and sounds of you (especially the sounds).  Despite your newfound social status, fitness, income, and responsible ways, your “overwhelming omnipresence” and the “lack of interest” you show in what matters to her (centerpieces, terrible dance-themed movie sequels, etc.), you are right back in the dog house.    

So it turns out that life without fantasy football would result in a lot of change: some good, some bad, and some ugly.  Luckily, thank the football heavens; we don’t have to change at all.  As of 8:30pm eastern time tonight, we can all breathe a final sigh of relief as the NFL 2011 season commences.  The fence, the fort, and the centerpiece can wait, because ladies and gentlemen, its NFL FOOTBALL time in America.   

Check back next week with WFANtasy for actual player analysis, insights, forecasts, self-deprecating humor, and more. 

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